It is the winter of 2012. It is a grim time. Already a chill is coming over the land, a numb, biting cold which will provide a harsh
challenge for survival among the poor, old and unfortunate.
Turning to the television will provide no comfort, as you
will continue to be greeted by a parade of newscasters with grim predictions
for our financial future, individuals like Vincent Browne, his face a crude Play
Doh sculpture of hopelessness and despair, wagging his finger and telling you
that the drudgery of your life shows no signs of lightening up. Also, apparently
the world is ending and we’re all going to die? Something to do with Mayans? To
be honest it doesn’t seem so bad when the alternative is Vincent Browne.
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| Gaze into the face of fear. |
Yes, you may have heard it mentioned one or two times over
the past year, but the old Planet Earth is on its very last legs and unlike the
numerous other occasions Armageddon has been predicted to occur throughout
history which turned out to be complete gibbering nonsense, this time it is
very definitely certainly possibly true. Seeing as how there is only a month and a bit
left in the year, time is running out, so you had better start racing through
those bucket lists as fast as you can. A surprising number of the students I’ve
taught this year have mentioned this and they don’t seem very reassured by my
typical response of “no, of course the world isn’t going to end, get back to
work.” It’s like they’ve all collectively decided that the 2012 End of World
predictions are the truth and since the decisions of teenagers always turn out
to be correct, I am now just the tiniest bit worried.
I tried to look into my impending doom some more but it has
been a difficult process. I perused the television for some time but the only
thing I could find related to the subject was this advert from the cheery
sexists/shit deodorant peddlers at Lynx, in which beautiful women attempt to
escape the apocalypse by marching resignedly into the sinister sex trade aboard
a Love Boat built by a lone man with no obvious carpentry credentials:
Getting information off of the Internet was as much of a
struggle as you might expect, with a wide variety of badly-made Youtube videos,
forum arguments, attention-seeking blog posts (...) and “expert” journals. The effort
of wading through this e-sludge had a similar effect as listening to the noise
of a washing machine that’s been switched on with a cage full of budgies
inside. I then attempted to find some books on the subject in the library but
then I remembered that I don’t have a library card anymore and books are for
old, useless people.
Eventually however I was able to cobble together the indisputable facts. It seems that it was originally predicted that back in 2003, a rogue planet called Nibiru would crash into our own planet and destroy it. When that didn't happen (as far as I can remember) it was decided that this was mere margin of error and the real end was coming in 2012. Planet Nibiru, also known by the easier to spell and cooler sounding Planet X, is supposed to be coming on the 21st December 2012, just in time to ruin Christmas for everybody. The whole thing sounds very terrifying and plausible. Oh wait, no it doesn't.
It sounds like bollocks and if you believe it you should be placed on a special list and prevented from ever voting, reproducing or speaking too loudly ever again. The Mayan aspect comes in because the Mayans had a very specific hard-on for calendars and one of the many calendars they made happened to end this year. Of course, every calendar ever made ends at some point but this seems to qualify as conclusive evidence. Furthermore, Planet X does not exist and even if it did, it would have been visible to the naked eye for quite some time now...which it isn't.
To sum up, the world is not going to end, so shut up and go away.
Follow this link a good video explaining why the world isn’t
going to end: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hzF3vkmY28&feature=plcp
Follow this link for a picture of an elephant wearing a hat:
http://store.circusworldmuseum.com/images/CWi-657-1.jpg
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