Saturday 1 December 2012

Bigger Than Jesus: The Beatles Vs. Christmas


Christmas is the greatest thing ever. This may seem like a surprising opinion coming from a guy who writes a blog stuffed to the brim with opinionated bile and negativity, but it is true. They way I see it, there are so many different things associated with the Christmas season that there is something to appeal to every type of person out there. Whether you love charity or materialism, religion or Die Hard, heartwarming moments with the family to remember forever or alcohol-fuelled work parties so horrific that you eagerly await the onset of Alzheimer’s to steal your memories of them forever, Christmas truly is the most wonderful time of the year, with something for everybody. Which is why I have to ask: Why do The Beatles hate it so much?

Christmas songs are notoriously hit and miss and with them being an easy way to make money for even the most talentless shysters, there are many more misses than hits. Their poor reputation is not helped by the fact that during the month of December you are guaranteed to hear every Christmas song ever recorded somewhere in the region of 357 times each, until by Christmas Eve even the songs you actually like become candy cane-coloureds drills boring a series of holes right through your skull. However, even within a musical subgenre that includes the date rapists anthem Baby It’s Cold Outside, Christmas songs by members of The Beatles have always stood out to me as being particularly terrible, especially given that The Beatles were such a considerable mix of musical talents. And Ringo Starr. I’m going to provide my thoughts on a crappy Yuletide recording from each member of the Fab Four, to show that even musical legends (and Ringo Starr) are capable of idiocy.
1. Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney



According to Forbes, this song earns Paul $400,000 a year, a fact that makes me so I angry I want to punch a baby in the face. This is a song with no rhythm to speak of whatsoever, with the same few notes plinking on the keyboard over and over again. The lyrics are that most hateful combination of impossible to sing along to and guaranteed to get stuck in your head. Plus, just look at the music video above.  A crowd of musicians are seen playing away on their instruments as they have a wonderful Christmastime, but listen to the song, there’s nothing there except that poxy keyboard and the ringing of some bells. It breaks my brain. This dorky effort is the exact type of thing John Lennon famously called “Paul’s granny music shit”.  Unfortunately Lennon’s attempt at a Christmas song is even worse.
2. Happy Xmas (War is Over) by John Lennon/The Plastic Ono Band and Harlem Community Choir

Ugh. Fuck you Lennon. This sanctimonious effort from Lennon, the Plastic Ono Band and the Harlem Community Choir of Irritatingly Adorably Children is inexplicably part of the top-tier of overplayed Christmas songs, despite the fact that it is miserable and has Yoko Ono singing in it, never a good sign. It’s appropriate that a song intended as a protest against the seemingly never-ending Vietnam War itself feels like it’s going to go on forever and the song's message doesn’t get much deeper than “War is bad, mmkay.” I'm sorry John, I'll never invade Vietnam again, I promise.
3. Ding Dong Ding Dong by George Harrison
Clearly George Harrison hated Christmas very much, because he never even bothered to write a song about it. The closest thing you can get is this song from his 1974 album Dark Horse , which is about ringing in the New Year.  Although not a classic, this song is actually not that bad as far as these things go, but as I said, it’s not actually about Christmas, because George Harrison is a wretched soul who must have hated Christmas, probably because he’s a Hare Krishna hippy bastard, so he can rot in hell. (I’m so sorry George, you’re really my favourite.)
4. I Wanna Be Santa Claus by Ringo Starr
 
Believe it or not, the third best drummer The Beatles ever had actually released a whole Christmas album in 1999, and this was the title track. It is...pretty sucky, but at least this one is bad in that endearing Ringo Starr way, so I can’t snark at it too much. I can also understand Ringo’s desire to be Santa Claus and ride in the sleigh, because he probably thinks that if he were Santa Claus, people would actually like him then. In writing a Christmas song that a) doesn’t make me want to chew my face off and b) is actually about Christmas, Ringo has actually come out on top in a discussion about The Beatles, possibly for the first time ever. Congratulations to you Ringo Starr, I’m sure my approval is the greatest Christmas gift of them all.



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