Christmas is the greatest thing ever. This may seem like a
surprising opinion coming from a guy who writes a blog stuffed to the brim with
opinionated bile and negativity, but it is true. They way I see it, there are
so many different things associated with the Christmas season that there is
something to appeal to every type of person out there. Whether you love charity
or materialism, religion or Die Hard, heartwarming moments with the family to
remember forever or alcohol-fuelled work parties so horrific that you eagerly
await the onset of Alzheimer’s to steal your memories of them forever,
Christmas truly is the most wonderful time of the year, with something for
everybody. Which is why I have to ask: Why do The Beatles hate it so much?
Christmas songs are notoriously hit and miss and with them
being an easy way to make money for even the most talentless shysters, there
are many more misses than hits. Their poor reputation is not helped by the fact
that during the month of December you are guaranteed to hear every Christmas
song ever recorded somewhere in the region of 357 times each, until by
Christmas Eve even the songs you actually like become candy cane-coloureds
drills boring a series of holes right through your skull. However, even within
a musical subgenre that includes the date rapists anthem Baby It’s Cold Outside,
Christmas songs by members of The Beatles have always
stood out to me as being particularly terrible, especially given that The
Beatles were such a considerable mix of musical talents. And Ringo Starr. I’m
going to provide my thoughts on a crappy Yuletide recording from each member of
the Fab Four, to show that even musical legends (and Ringo Starr) are capable
of idiocy.
1. Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney
According to Forbes, this song earns Paul $400,000 a
year, a fact that makes me so I angry I want to punch a baby in the face. This
is a song with no rhythm to speak of whatsoever, with the same few notes
plinking on the keyboard over and over again. The lyrics are that most hateful
combination of impossible to sing along to and guaranteed to get stuck in your
head. Plus, just look at the music video above.
A crowd of musicians are seen playing away on their instruments as they have a
wonderful Christmastime, but listen to the song, there’s nothing there except
that poxy keyboard and the ringing of some bells. It breaks my brain. This dorky effort is the exact type of thing
John Lennon famously called “Paul’s granny music shit”. Unfortunately Lennon’s attempt at a Christmas
song is even worse.
2. Happy Xmas (War is Over) by John Lennon/The Plastic Ono Band and Harlem Community Choir
Ugh. Fuck you Lennon. This sanctimonious effort from
Lennon, the Plastic Ono Band and the Harlem Community Choir of Irritatingly
Adorably Children is inexplicably part of the top-tier of overplayed Christmas
songs, despite the fact that it is miserable and has Yoko Ono singing in it, never a good sign. It’s
appropriate that a song intended as a protest against the seemingly
never-ending Vietnam War itself feels like it’s going to go on forever and the
song's message doesn’t get much deeper than “War is bad, mmkay.” I'm sorry John, I'll never invade Vietnam again, I promise.
3. Ding Dong Ding Dong by George Harrison
Clearly George Harrison hated Christmas very much,
because he never even bothered to write a song about it. The closest thing you
can get is this song from his 1974 album Dark Horse , which is about ringing in
the New Year. Although not a classic, this song is actually not
that bad as far as these things go, but as I said, it’s not actually about Christmas,
because George Harrison is a wretched soul who must have hated Christmas,
probably because he’s a Hare Krishna hippy bastard, so he can rot in hell. (I’m so
sorry George, you’re really my favourite.)
4. I Wanna Be Santa Claus by Ringo Starr
Believe it or not, the third best drummer The Beatles
ever had actually released a whole Christmas album in 1999, and this was the
title track. It is...pretty sucky, but at
least this one is bad in that endearing Ringo Starr way, so I can’t snark at it
too much. I can also understand Ringo’s desire to be Santa Claus and ride in
the sleigh, because he probably thinks that if he were Santa Claus, people
would actually like him then. In writing a Christmas song that a) doesn’t make
me want to chew my face off and b) is actually about Christmas, Ringo has
actually come out on top in a discussion about The Beatles, possibly for the
first time ever. Congratulations to you Ringo Starr, I’m sure my approval is
the greatest Christmas gift of them all.
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