Watch Where You're Walking, Stupidity-Monger

An open letter to the four people who stepped on my feet in town today:

Dear utter shitheads,

Although the four of you just about avoided bruising my toes, unfortunately the same cannot be said for my feelings. Before today, I still retained some belief that humanity was not entirely filled with the urine-like dregs of thoughtless and selfish people, however all traces of that naivety were stamped out of me today and I have the four of you to thank for that. I now understand that the world is a terrible place, and that I was the idiot for thinking that I could get away with trying to do some Christmas shopping without being attacked by a quartet of bastard-shaped fools who don’t know how to walk through town properly. I’m sure you were in too much of a rush to avoid causing mild pain to my toes, presumably there were some rocks at the bottom of a pond somewhere that you had to suck on.

 I hate you. I hate you more than I hate junkies on the bus, people who think Batman should kill, the dog that lives next door that’s always barking and Indiana Jones 4. I hope that you are beset by a series of inconveniences, hopefully ending in your spontaneous combustion. Maybe that would teach you all a lesson about watching where you are going.

I hope the bus always pulls away just as you arrive at the stop. I hope that you accidentally bite down on a fork a minimum of eleven times in your life. I hope that every man/woman/blow-up doll you encounter in life thinks that you are “such a good friend”. I hope that you are struck by a meteorite and by lightning at the same time. I hope that you can never find your keys. I hope that you lose your sense of smell. I hope that you win the lottery but when you go to reclaim the money, a pigeon steals your ticket and defecates on you as it departs. I hope that some inconsiderate arsehole steps on your toes whenever you try to shop. I hope that any prospective blog you try to write very quickly slips in terms of quality and readership. I hope that you quickly run out of things to write about for that blog and have to resort to spewing out less than 500 words of whinging about small slights. I hope that every occasion where you think you have found happiness and love turns out to be a pyramid scheme.

Let this be a warning to you. The next time you step on my feet when I’m trying to shop, there’s a chance that I won’t just say nothing and complain about it on the internet later. Although that is probably what will happen.