Watch Where You're Walking, Stupidity-Monger

An open letter to the four people who stepped on my feet in town today:

Dear utter shitheads,

Although the four of you just about avoided bruising my toes, unfortunately the same cannot be said for my feelings. Before today, I still retained some belief that humanity was not entirely filled with the urine-like dregs of thoughtless and selfish people, however all traces of that naivety were stamped out of me today and I have the four of you to thank for that. I now understand that the world is a terrible place, and that I was the idiot for thinking that I could get away with trying to do some Christmas shopping without being attacked by a quartet of bastard-shaped fools who don’t know how to walk through town properly. I’m sure you were in too much of a rush to avoid causing mild pain to my toes, presumably there were some rocks at the bottom of a pond somewhere that you had to suck on.

 I hate you. I hate you more than I hate junkies on the bus, people who think Batman should kill, the dog that lives next door that’s always barking and Indiana Jones 4. I hope that you are beset by a series of inconveniences, hopefully ending in your spontaneous combustion. Maybe that would teach you all a lesson about watching where you are going.

I hope the bus always pulls away just as you arrive at the stop. I hope that you accidentally bite down on a fork a minimum of eleven times in your life. I hope that every man/woman/blow-up doll you encounter in life thinks that you are “such a good friend”. I hope that you are struck by a meteorite and by lightning at the same time. I hope that you can never find your keys. I hope that you lose your sense of smell. I hope that you win the lottery but when you go to reclaim the money, a pigeon steals your ticket and defecates on you as it departs. I hope that some inconsiderate arsehole steps on your toes whenever you try to shop. I hope that any prospective blog you try to write very quickly slips in terms of quality and readership. I hope that you quickly run out of things to write about for that blog and have to resort to spewing out less than 500 words of whinging about small slights. I hope that every occasion where you think you have found happiness and love turns out to be a pyramid scheme.

Let this be a warning to you. The next time you step on my feet when I’m trying to shop, there’s a chance that I won’t just say nothing and complain about it on the internet later. Although that is probably what will happen.

Stupid Women Love Marilyn Monroe

This goes out to all the stupid women out there.

Now I want to stress right from the off that this isn’t some sort of woman-hating thing. Really it’s wrong to think of stupidity in gendered terms, you usually see the same traits in both waterhead men and braindead women; self-centredness, pride in ignorance, liking the Black Eyed Peas, etc. There is however, one thing that generally speaking, is seen in stupid women much more than in their male counterparts. The half-baked love of Marilyn Monroe.

Without watching or even being able to name any of her films, many young women like to associate themselves with Marilyn Monroe, because, you know, she’s famous and has a purrdy face and stuff. Monroe is right up there with Che Guevara  in terms of being an icon that people latch themselves onto in spite of knowing little to nothing about. Many seem to know little more about them than what their faces look like, which they see plastered all over shitty merchandise and love so much they decide to plaster all over their bodies in the form of shitty tattoos, creating a self-perpetuating cycle of ignorance. And shit. And plaster.

Now look. I don’t have a problem with Monroe herself. Marilyn Monroe was reasonably talented, not one of the all-time-greats but not terrible either. She had a definite screen-presence, something that many modern actors are sorely lacking, she could do comedy and roles like Cherie, an untalented but ambitious singer in Bus Stop show that she was more adept at ‘serious’ roles than one might think at first. As is fairly common knowledge these days, she was a pretty tragic individual marred by mental illness, physical and sexual violence throughout her life. This is not the Marilyn Monroe that is worshipped in Twitter and Facebook posts across the webland. That Monroe is a much more one-dimensional figure, personified by that one fucking quote. You know the one.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”                               

 -Marilyn Monroe and Dickwits everywhere

This is horseshit for several reasons. First of all, it is an excuse to never try to improve, to become emotionally mature and at least try to work past faults (and they are faults) like selfishness and impatience, which we all share. Secondly, it suggests that in a relationship between Person A and Person B, Person A can behave as poorly as they like, all the time and the inevitable conflict that will ensue is all Person B’s fault. Shut it Person A, you are like Batista subplots in Dexter, you are terrible and boring and nobody cares about you. Thirdly...let’s be frank here. The best of Marilyn Monroe and the best of you, in all likelihood, do not compare. Ain’t no JFK gonna be doing the horizontal tango with you, because you are the worst. Also, he’s dead.

Marilyn Monroe

You

 

 

Ultimately Marilyn Monroe was just a fairly good actress with a lot of personal troubles. She did not, as far as my extensive research* showed, cure TB, sign any peace treaties or stop a burning bus full of chinchillas from driving off a cliff. If you want an old-timey glamorous Hollywood actress to worship, how about Hedy Lamarr, who helped to invent a form of radio frequency used to this day in wi-fi and cordless phones? Even being interested in Monroe wouldn’t be that bad, as long as you go deeper than asinine quotes and that one picture of her standing over a windy grate. Or maybe you could stop idolising famous people altogether, you fecking twit.

* not very extensive.